1. Take birth in an ambiguously or totally dysfunctional family
2. Spend a childhood of always feeling different from the crowd. Preferably experience the death of a loved one, abuse of some form and/or social ridicule
3. As a young adult, fall hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Mind you, this is a very important step. And travel. Yes, travel. Escape home.
4. As a struggling writer, rely on your professional education to make a living, whilst you attempt to establish yourself. Rub shoulders with like-minded folk. Observe your sense of self slowly getting better as you leave the pain of being misunderstood behind
5. Discover a penchant for intoxicants. And begin a lifelong tryst with them. There will be spans of your life in which you’d quit or try to rehabilitate yourself. Unsuccessfully so. This would be nothing but short stints of painful consciousness. Remember, being partially conscious and perpetually inebriated are very crucial to the creative process
6. Meet someone who loves you as much as you love them. Someone who accepts you, flaws and all. Marry them. Pompously so, after a whirlwind and relatively easy courtship. Mind you, you have the devilish charm of a writer. Not many ordinary folk can resist it.
7. By now, your writing career has taken off. You are living a glamorous life. The people love you, the press chases you. Your time is spent in interviews, with editors, attending social calls. You travel extensively.
8. Cheat on your spouse. Openly. Around this time, you’d also probably produce your best work. Also, don’t forget to have kids. Legitimate ones and otherwise
9. Be flamboyant about your wealth. Squander it. Set aside a very small amount for sensible spending and impulsively spend the rest.
10. Get embroiled in legal battles with your spouse over your infidelity. By now, it’s a habit. Realise marital bliss is not for you. Hate yourself for making the kids suffer. But hate yourself more for having married the living embodiment of the devil.
11. Successfully end your marriage. Often this step culminates into paying a huge alimony and substantial child support. Feel relieved.
12. Watch your writing slow down. The crowd doesn’t love you anymore. There has been mixed opinions about your separation and the philandering that caused it. Spiral further down into debauchery.
13. Begin your slow but sure descent into complete madness. Realise that you have no friends, family who want to be associated with you. The floozies were only there for as long as the money was
14. Make more money, by writing sub standard material. You hate yourself for it, but atleast the bills get paid.
15. Realise that you are getting old. Experience ideological changes. Rub shoulders with a diehard fan or two, who has not yet forsaken you. Live at their expense, because you can’t write the same old drivel anymore.
16. Win an award or two, in recognition for your work. Get a temporary boost because of it. Produce your opus magnum. Receive public acclaim for it. Improve your relationship with your kids. Apologise to them for not being there. Try to compensate a lost childhood with inheritances documented in a will.
17. Die a long, painful death, preferably in the hospital. Alone. With no one by your bedside. Have the literary world mourn your death. Maybe win a posthumous recognition or two. Have a glorified tombstone and the govt erect a statue of yours in a heritage public park. Continue inspiring the coming generations of writers. Spent an eternity in the damnation of hell-fire (if you believe in that sort of thing)
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